Maybe the most important thing you will ever do is die.
This thought came to me when I was studying a complete stranger as part of a “one-place study” – an in-depth genealogical review of everyone in a certain place during a certain time. As such, I was tasked with tracking down information about a lad who lived in Conquest, NY in 1859. So, what remains of this stranger from way-back-when? I reviewed artifacts like maps, census reports, land deeds, city directories, and more. By far, the most revealing and engaging document was my subject’s obituary.
As described by retired New York Times reporter Margalit Fox, “Obits are the most narrative genre in any daily paper.” Obituaries are a medium for storytelling, and you can take liberties with the form.
I encourage you to wrestle free from the formulaic constraints of the traditional obituary. Often, people are the most creative when they have guidelines to inspire and rules to break. Some of my favorite lines from atypical obituaries:
- “Freddie [William McCullough] was killed when he rushed into a burning orphanage to save a group of adorable children. Or maybe not. We all know how he liked to tell stories.” (written by his son)
- “We were blessed to learn many valuable lessons from Pink [Mary Mullaney] during her 85 years, among them: Never throw away old pantyhose. Use the old ones to tie gutters, child-proof cabinets, tie toilet flappers, or hang Christmas ornaments.” (self-written)
- “Walter George Brulh Jr. of Newark and Dewey Beach is a dead person; he is no more; he is bereft of life; he is deceased; he has rung down the curtain and gone to join the choir invisible; he has expired and gone to meet his maker.” (self-written)
Even for the less-creative, obituaries have a lot of interesting information in them. They often map out family trees, honoring all of the people that characterized a person’s unique little world. They gloriously review the greatest accomplishments of the subject’s life, even going so far as describing the lasting impression of the subject’s unique personality.
Another thing my one-place study proved to me is that an obituary is historically protected – it’s secure, resilient, and popularly valued. Obituaries have that discoverability; with them, future generations can uncover their history, thereby further understanding themselves. Or, you will come alive again in the mind of a complete stranger! (Like me)
Partly, obituaries endure because they’re copyrighted pieces of creative nonfiction that are fixed into a tangible medium of expression.
Unexpectedly, obituaries also have long-term availability because they’re often republished on a variety of websites. Most of this is done legally, but please note that obituaries may also be scraped by some nefarious sites that host ads, malware, and “sympathy gift” scams.
Thirdly, death is inherently dramatic, momentous, and mysterious. It commands curiosity and attention.
But, publishing an obituary is entirely optional, and whether it’s done is usually up to the loved ones left behind.
So, why bother?
- Well, you imbue the subject with a sense of importance. As has been said, death is news! Even to people from your seventh-grade study hall. Strangers read them too – they get much more reach these days with social media.
- Bring others closer together. Obituaries are an opportunity for people to reconnect or strengthen their relationships during a strained time.
- Obituaries help people reflect. For example, in an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, as a random creative exercise, Ray writes his father Frank’s obituary (even though he’s still alive). This leads to a surprising, emotional, and reflective family discussion about the person his father is. Every character has a unique perspective of Frank, which sometimes clashes with Frank’s self-image.
- Be aware… Many funeral homes are using AI to write obituaries these days. And, they often follow an outlined series of talking points to achieve the final product. I encourage you to stand by the implied principle of an obituary. This person is worth remembering. Take the time to remember them in the writing process. Ensure that the final result came from a heartfelt place that captures their unique standing in the world. The sentiments should be real – not generic, recycled talking points that a computer mimicked from strangers’ feelings.
That said, obituaries are even better when the subject had a hand in their creation.
- Writing your obituary is a chance to look back in celebration on the highlights of your life. It may be hard to articulate at first, because your life may be too familiar for you to see it. But dig in, and you’ll discover what’s been close to your heart – what you’ve done, what you’ve valued, who you’ve been, who you’ve connected with, etcetera.
- Further still, pre-writing is a chance to refocus so you can make sure you’re at terms with how you lived your life once your time comes. It’s not just a chance to look back, but also to look forward. It may be a prompt to pivot and reprioritize.
- You can relieve your loved ones of additional stress during an already-emotional time. Many families write their own loved ones’ obituaries, which is a fantastic exercise to share in. It turns out that no matter how lowly you may think of yourself sometimes, the people who know you value you as a factor in their own understanding of the experience of life; they will want to process your legacy. Likely, they will want to give you an honorable tribute. This may cause pressure and lasting guilt if loved ones don’t feel that they properly rose to the occasion.
- Take control of your legacy. If you don’t take initiative on this, then there’s also potential for you to be represented incorrectly or unfavorably (or not at all).
So, all in all, death is not something that I recommend lingering on every day. But, it’s a cathartic and inspiring exercise to face head-on sometimes. I recommend starting with writing your own obituary.
