Grief Support Groups, St. Margaret’s & The Good News Center

BY CHEYENNE DORSAGNO

You Don’t Have to Face Grief Alone

Our neighborhood has two uplifting service providers for people who want help navigating the loss of a loved one: St. Margaret’s Grief Support Group in New Hartford and The Good News Center’s Grief Survivors Support Group in Utica.

Both proved to have parallels in the thoughtful way that they lend a hand to community members in their utmost time of need.

“It’s not counseling,” forewarned Judy Reilly, Executive Director of St. Margaret’s. 

It’s a peer-facilitated group focused on supporting people in learning to live in this world without having our loved one physically here with us.

It’s somewhere between the casual, normalizing intention of a Death Cafe community meeting and the empowering healing of individual therapy.

Both Groups maintain an intimate dynamic, having started with just a few participants to, these days, getting about a dozen community members per meeting.

You Don’t Have to Just “Get Over It”

“Grief is very circular. We don’t use terms like closure,” said St. Margaret’s longtime participant William Ball.

“We never say move on. We always say move forward,” said The Good News Center’s Facilitator, Dr. Shawn Hast. She was once a participant due to her own loss of her husband; he passed away from a pedestrian car accident. 

The Groups are free, being driven by the desire to help everyone integrate grief more positively into their lives.

The Groups Respond to the Needs of the Public

St. Margaret’s went from hosting the Group seasonally to hosting it year-round, and The Good News Center hosts two back-to-back meetings on a biweekly basis. 

Both Groups begin a meeting with introductions (a participant saying who they are and what loved one they are attending on behalf of). 

The meetings may be more guided and informative based on curiosities that have been expressed by attendants. Topics may include navigating grief as it relates to holidays, loneliness, or guilt, for example.

But there’s also always an opportunity for free-flowing conversation. A topic might organically emerge.

“l go with whatever the need is of the group,” said Dr. Hast. “We laugh together; we cry together.”

Come As You Are. Or Don’t!

You don’t even need to talk at a meeting.

“Come how you need to, and be who you need to be for that hour and a half,” said Dave Roberts, St. Margaret’s Volunteer Facilitator. He was moved to help after losing his daughter and experiencing the Group’s support first-hand.

Five months after Judy’s dad died, she attended a support group too. “Just being there was a whole lot,” she said of the overwhelming confrontation with her loss. But some may begin seeking support as soon as a few days after a loved one passes.

Someone may go to a Support Group just once if that’s all they need. There is no set timeline for attendance. But participants tend to stick around. Dr. Hast has found that people often utilize the Group for three years before “graduating” and continuing their journey more independently.

“Some people are never ready to go to a support group. It’s not their thing, maybe,” said Judy.

It’s okay if you know a support group isn’t what’s most helpful for you.

“Go where you grow,” said Dr. Hast.

Grieve in Your Own Way

“There is no right way or wrong way to do grief,” said Dr. Hast.

“I needed someone to tell me what was normal … We don’t talk about grief in our society,” she said of her own meeting with grief. “We’re a society where everything has to feel good … [but] we need to feel that grief.”

You can keep traditions you shared with your deceased loved one. You can keep the pictures of them hanging on your walls. You can volunteer time or donate money in their memory.

“A lot of people still talk to their loved ones,” said Dr. Hast.

Your Loved One May Not Be Physically Present, but Your Relationship with Them Doesn’t Die

It’s ongoing.

Processing pain is important, but so is remembering to celebrate. 

Remember the life lived – not just the death.

You can continue the relationship in your own way, such as by meditating, telling stories about your loved one, or by going to the cemetery to visit them.   

“The love always continues, so the relationship continues,” said Dr. Hast.

The Groups are Hosted by Organizations with a Religious Background

“The sisters were always connected to the community,” said Judy of the founding sisters of St. Margaret.

The Good News Center began over thirty years ago with Deacon John Droz and his wife Elizabeth. They dreamed of bearing a “new springtime” of Christianity.

Still, Judy assured, “All are welcomed, regardless of their faith.”

Amidst Finding a Way to Honor Your Passed Loved One, Remember to Love Yourself

It’s hard to keep up, but you have to keep practicing self-care.

Strive to be social. Appreciate the loved ones still here. “Don’t let what you want rob you of what you have,” said Dr. Hast.

Understand that peers might distance themselves, not realizing that you’re in need or not knowing how to help. You can take back some control over your grief by being forthright and specific about your needs. 

“We have to be proactive,” said Dr. Hast.

You can plan small steps toward facing your grief. That being said, you don’t have to be brave all the time.

“If you get up in the morning and decide you can’t do what you planned, then that’s fine,” said Dr. Hast.

She stressed that grief is a process. Find help in order to understand your grief, both emotionally and physically. You don’t have to go through it alone.